Meet Angela, my alter-ego.

Meet Angela, my condescending Siamese twin. My uninvited partner. My evil sidekick. My constant shadow. Angela and I had been on and off over the years, but began our serious relationship in 2016. We were in our second year of college, and when the pressure of maintaining the minimum GPA for my scholarship, making my parents proud, maintaining my friendships, managing my finances, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, the toxic dating situation I was in, the homesickness and separation from family and friends was prominent… this is when Angela injected herself into my life. I was at a very vulnerable point, and somehow she became extremely present.

How to describe Angela….. well, she makes my heart race. But, wait…no….not in the cute, romantic way. More like the nauseating, stomach wrenching, paralyzing way. When I look at Angela sometimes I feel like I am having a sudden heart attack. Any symptom I have, she will make me wonder if its much more serious than it appears. Okay for example, the other day I found a small, new mole. Probably nothing to be alarmed about. Right? Well. Angela said its breast cancer. Angela literally bombards me with a million “what if” questions and thoughts at once… so much that I get agitated, irritable and snappy. Really Angela? Can I get a little break?

Angela would have me overthinking every. single. thing. Little? CHECK. Kinda big? CHECCCK. Big? Don’t even get me started. Mass mayhem.

The overthinking, then leads to chronic headaches, stomach pains, back aches and a very tight chest. It leads to worrying about the fact that I was worrying. I’ll paint you a picture. It’s like riding down a big, beautiful ski slope.. peacefully.. smoothly.. then suddenly, hearing a sound, looking back and there is a gigantic snowball, growing by the second, heading STRAIGHT for me at lightning speed. Oh, and the ground is suddenly a bumpy ass terrain and you are shaking profusely. That’s how Angela makes me feel. I don’t think she means to do this, but she can’t help it sometimes. She is prone to panicking, obsessing, worrying and expecting the worst and unfortunately she projects that fear onto me. After all… we are a product of our environment.. right?

When Angela and I are spending quality together, she doesn’t want me to spend time with anyone else. SHE IS ADAMANT. So, when friends or colleagues invite me out, whether it’s for a lunch date, movie or simply hang out, somehow she convinces me that we are all we need, and we should just stay home. Angela always seems genuine and that she’s looking out for my best interest so I feel safe. I stay in. It’s comfortable. We are safe at home, nothing can happen to us, we don’t have to engage in any awkward human interaction and worry about people’s perceptions and opinions of us. That’s what Angela says. The thing is though, most of the time I want to see my friends, I want to go outside, interact and experience things, but this is what Angela likes and I want her to be happy. And well, God forbid I try to fight Angela on this, it only gets worse. But… what about my happiness, Angela? What about what I WANT?

Angela and I fight about this problem. A lot. I tell Angela all the time how much I do not appreciate her efforts to isolate me, scare me and put me through psychological and bodily pain. I tell her how much I hate the worry and fear she burdens me with. I tell her how suffocated and alone she makes me feel. Often times, the more I fight Angela, the harder she fights back. She is arrogant, she is used to winning the battle. I must admit, Angela has a strong hold on me and sometimes, it just takes too much energy to fight her… so I just cave. I succumb and I allow her to control me. I am not okay with it, but I am constantly exhausted. I hate fighting her. It is draining.

Angela and I often could be having a great day, we might wake up feeling refreshed and motivated… when suddenly, she makes me cry. OUT OF NOWHERE, she reminds me of all the stressful situations, struggles and challenges I am facing in my life right now and I just break down. She is so hard on me, and I end up being EXTRA hard on myself. Our relationship even affects my other relationships. She tells me that I am not worthy of real love, and that I can’t trust anyone else. She encourages me to doubt everyone and everything. I know she’s just still scarred from the immense trauma we have both experienced in the past, but she jumps at any chance she gets to instill negativity and doubt when any kind of modern day similar situations present themselves. Shitty move, Angela. Not cool.

Angela and I are working on our relationship, though. We took the step two months ago to see a counsellor about the issues we are having. We speak to her weekly, she’s truly awesome. I’m happy to say that therapy has been really beneficial in helping me to understand why Angela does and says the things she does, and how I can better accept and cope with them. I have also gotten better and standing my ground with Angela, and reminding her that I am in control of my choices and thoughts. I am also consciously working on listening to Angela’s thoughts and understanding their roots and triggers. With 2020 quickly approaching, we are very hopeful for the new year that is to come.

We got this, Angela.

“Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.”
– Paulo Coelho