Discovering Grief.

All my life, I understood the definition of grief and why it occurs… or at least, so I thought. It was only this year that I learnt how grief actually feels and the way it can affect someone’s entire being. Before I lost my Uncle tragically this year, I did not know how grief could turn my entire world upside down. It was not instant, it was not straight-forward, and it certainly was not easy to understand. It was not black and white.

Initially, my body and mind put up a series of walls and protective barriers as a subconscious reaction. My guards immediately screamed WAR! PROTECT! – and pledged to protect the peace that I had spent the past few years building. Anything, or anyone, that threatens that peace, instantly receives a thick, steel barrier. For a few weeks following his death, I felt close to nothing. He was constantly a topic of conversation, I looked at pictures of him daily and consciously reminded myself of him every hour of every day. Why? Some part of me was making a desperate attempt to trigger more and excessive emotions or feelings because I felt utterly guilty that I was not crying, or feeling deeply sad. I was so afraid that I would end up thinking of him less and less, and his presence and memories would soon fade and that brought on an immense amount of guilt, fear and remorse. At the same time, though, I felt numb. I felt grey. Most importantly, I felt dark. I felt as though a dark, heavy and tight cloud was looming over me every second of every day. It felt like, some of the light and sparkle in my world was gone forever and everything just seemed dull and depressing. My chest would become tight at random points in the day and my heart would literally ache. But still, I felt numb. What I came to realize was my body reacted severely to this loss, as a result of my mind trying so very hard to be unbreakable and there was no escape for the very present emotions I was feeling. While I kept expecting there to be a bigger mental change and effects, my body was screaming out the signs and flags.

I felt unmotivated, lazy and anxious. I could not find the joy in doing things that typically I would enjoy. And one day, it all. just. hit me. One day, I found myself curled in a ball, gasping for air and screaming in pain. I had never felt loss like I did that day. It felt like my guards had ALL fallen back and retreated, and I was bombarded and overwhelmed with everything I was terrified of. It hurt mentally, emotionally and physically. But in that same moment, I felt an ounce of relief. An ounce of light came back into my soul. That moment I allowed myself to feel, and face the pain I put up walls, guards and barriers to keep out, was a moment of strength that also showed me that there was nothing to feel guilty for. I still felt sad. Immensely sad. But I also felt hope. I felt love. I felt warmth in my heart. The love that Roger gave me and my family for all the years of my life that I was so honored to witness and experience, just flooded my heart and fueled my being with a dose of comfort and hope. A dose of acceptance. A dose of peace. It was a beautiful moment, for a piece of my heart was restored in that same moment that I thought it was destroyed.

Now… the days go by, and there are some that he does not cross my mind. But there are also some that he is all I can think about. Nevertheless….. he is in my heart every day, a new integral piece of my soul and that love pushes me forward. Every, single.. day.

“Your life was a blessing, your memory a treasure. You are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure.” – Renee Wood